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michael ray laemmle : “pardon my psychoanalysis”
Yes.
Ask again, please. Slowly.
A black, tarry bowel movement? Have you ever discharged one?
From my anus?
Yes, I suppose.
I don't understand why that's any of your business.
I know it's an embarrassing question. I hate having to ask it, but it's company policy. I don't put these psychological assessments together. But I'm sure the reasoning behind them is sound. The results of this test will either qualify or disqualify you for employment. You can't pass on any of the questions.
But this is K-Mart.
K-Mart wants to know.
The job pays six bucks an hour.
Yeah?
Seems crazy to make me jump through hoops, just for a lame job making crappy money.
It's a job, isn't it?
Sort of. Listen, I get the question about whether I'd report a family member who'd stolen something. That makes sense. I suppose if I said an unqualified YES, K-Mart would think I'm full of it, and I'd be disqualified for trying to answer to the test. The more natural answer is NO, because most people wouldn't, except for freaks who have no soul and trust in the absolute wisdom of authority. K-Mart probably realizes that people who answer NO are being truthful. Therefore they can take the results of the test seriously.
Doubtless.
But there's a problem with both answers.
How so?
Well, a question like that must be one of the keys to interpreting the test. If a person says YES, he's probably full of shit. But he may still be full of shit if he says NO, because he could still be playing to the test, if he assumes an honest answer will be considered more favorably by K-Mart.
Sure.
But K-Mart's psychologists have to know this. They know that either way the interviewee answers, he's screwed. So what does the question mean? What operation does it have for the test? It's obviously not for mere shits and giggles.
Nothing K-Mart does is for shits and giggles, I imagine.
Of course not.
So what's your point?
My point is, what exactly is K-Mart getting at with the question about my bowel movements?
I'm not sure. Maybe because it's very personal, and they figure if you answer YES, it shows you're willing to bare all your shame for the company. Shows loyalty, that you care what corporate thinks.
What if I say NO, but I'm lying? How would they know?
Well, there is a string of questions concerning bowel movements. If you say NO, I'm supposed to skip the next five questions. If you say YES, I'm supposed to ask them.
Okay, I'll bite. And honestly, yes, I have had a black, tarry bowel movement.
How black?
Boy, that's tough. I've had some very dark, dark brown bowel movements. Would I classify them as black? As literally devoid of color? I think not. However, they were very dark.
Darker than dark chocolate?
Yes.
By quite a bit?
By just a smidgen.
Darker than coffee?
With creamer?
Without.
Then I'd say yes, I've had bowel movements, on occasion, as dark as coffee without creamer.
On a scale of 1-5, how black would you rate them?
Just one of the bowel movements, or all of them averaged out?
I suppose the blackest one you've had.
Can I use fractions or decimals?
Whole numbers only.
Then definitely a 4. But if the scale were 1-10, I'd probably go with 7.
Not 9?
Hmmm. Actually, I better go with 8.
But 8/10 is the same as 4/5.
True. Then I'll go with 8.5.
Okay. But it's irrelevant anyway. The scale is 1-5.
You know what I think?
Hmm?
I think they're asking this for insurance purposes. You know, like, what is the probability I have intestinal cancer.
Could be. Then again, we're not offering you health insurance. Not until you've worked here three years.
Three years? Jeez, what a demonic fucking company. Are they just trying to weed out all those white-collar professionals who only apply to K-Mart for the mind-staggering benefits?
I suppose.
And why would they want to know whether I have intestinal cancer already, before I'm hired? Is that a risk of working here? Like, if one day in the future I claim I got intestinal cancer from working at K-Mart, they'll drudge this test up and say, Sorry, but it looks like you had intestinal cancer prior to your employment.
I'm not sure.
Do you have intestinal cancer?
Not that I know of.
Ever had a black, tarry bowel movement?
None of your business.
And my bowels are your business?
I've been hired. You're looking for work.
Next question.
If a coworker asked you to take an extra five minutes for break, would you?
No.
Would you report the coworker to the appropriate manager?
Hell no. You know, these tests aren't even legitimate. I was reading an article about psychological profiles in Scientific American….
Were you?
Yeah, I was. You think I'm stupid because I want to work at K-Mart? You think I don't have any intellectual pursuits? Any dreams besides stocking K-Mart's glorious aisles with consumer merchandise?
I didn't mean to suggest that.
I'm going to college, man. And this is a college town. There's too much competition for the good jobs.
K-Mart isn't bad.
Whatever. So the article was saying that nobody knows how to test for behavior. The writer was specifically talking about heroism in wartime. The military can't develop a test to determine who'd be the perfect soldier. Nobody knows how somebody will act under the pressure of combat. Military history is filled with valorous people who nobody would have taken for a hero.
What are you saying?
I'm saying K-Mart's executives should shove this test right up their big, fat asses, next time they get a chance. Next question.
Have you ever had blood in your stool, or what you thought was blood in your urine?
Michael Ray Laemmle has been published recently with Word Riot, Diamond Sky Dancer, & Konundrum Engine Lit Review. He is also a multimedia artist in Santa Fe, NM www.laemmlevision.com.
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{ issue three |
