jamie lin : “the college experience”
Excitement beneath my twin breasts, summer exhaling, pausing, warmth like a mother’s bloodstream over the Southern states, happy-to-help upperclassmen humming and hovering like bees, my new room barren, new possibilities, endless, endless, quite a beautiful moment between dreams and reality.
Crashing down hard, on the outside looking in, once again I find myself, too strange for the normal ones, not strange enough for the strange ones, on the brink between everything, once again, falling into old habits, never dying hard, falling, a dread at the bottom of my throat gathering like bile, I aim to spit it out, inhale cigarettes, wait for it to push me forward, pump excitement through me once again.
Realizing, thinking too much, the past integrating, once again like a bottle of spilled sour milk from the closet, running my fingers through my hair, pulling out loose strands, horrified, falling asleep at four, not waking up for first period class, finally unable to hide from the fundamental problems, finally march to the health center and ask for a session with a therapist, walked out with promise of an email with tears in my eyes, thinking of what to say.
Stuffing my fists into my mouth, feeling utterly alone and empty, stuck in my room, nowhere to go, not going to classes, not going to work, wanting to fuck, don’t want to be fucked up further, restrain, more cigarette smoke, alcohol like water in the desert, dying for some distraction, no one to come with, too strange, too strange, hair falling all around the room, reading erotica late at night until it calms me and I drift into dreamless sleep.
Don’t let it break you, don’t let it break you, don’t let those mood swings get the better of you, no situation is hopeless, changes, there can be changes, stop, stop, stop.
The first appointment is awkward, she stares as I cry into the sleeve of my black sweater, pathetic, the second is better, I open up more, I see beyond her perkiness that before repulsed me, she asked me what happened, I said I will write it down for her, all I do is write, there’s nothing else.
Waiting for the third appointment now, wanting to fuck, fuck up, distract myself, there is no one around, treat yourself better, it is called respect, not many young people these days do, they get mad when you tell them to, don’t make it worst, stop, stop, stop, pay attention to the good around you you dumb fuck.
Currently chewing gum furiously, listening to the temperature-controlling machine hum, debating moving to Boston to where my friend is, closer to home, run away, what is this place, nothing satisfies, want a whole different setting, this one doesn’t work, want to lose myself in a different kind of perception, want to never feel alone again, I wanted so much to be senselessly in love with you, summer of dreams gone, I don’t remember, reality has exhaled its nasty breath on me.
Jamie Lin is in college waiting for external perfection, internal happiness, & some sort of overall clarity. She wants to major in creative writing & minor in human rights. She is interested in world politics, Amnesty International, Arturo Bandini, One Hundred Years of Solitude, Mr. Awesome, & alcohol. Her website is at jamielin.net.
[ J. A. Tyler ] [ blog ] [ news ] [ buy ] [ read ] [ Mud Luscious ] [ current ] [ ml press ] [ archives ]
